hat_writes_stuff | Indulgence (Reply)

Title: Indulgence
Author: Almighty Hat
Fandom: Transformers Mystic Tales AU
Characters: Shockwave, Blurr
Word Count: 10,401
Rating: Explicit (here there be robots fucking)
Pairing(s): Shockwave/Blurr
Warnings: Standard Spellbound Suicidal Ideation Warning, also, valveplug/sticky, also also, sex pollen (but not fuck-or-die about it)

Author's Notes: Suicide and assisted suicide is a main theme of Keferon's Spellbound AU, and this fic is set smack in the middle of the quest to get all the things to make the death bringer potion.

In fact, with deep irony, I wrote it between these two updates. So yeah, this one is wildly outdated, but Keferon asked, and thus, Keferon receives.

This was the third fic I wrote for a five-and-one series that fell apart on me partway through the fourth installment (that just wouldn't stop), and it was mostly inspired by Keferon giving permission for smut, but also a little bit inspired by canonical implied-removable armor and textile clothing. It's titled 'Indulgence' because I was pretty much just amusing myself combining (some of the) things I like in TF porn and enjoying winding the characters up and letting them go.

Although I do feel like this fic in particular gave me a better handle on Spellbound Shockwave.

If you think I need more warnings, please let me know.

Summary: I was working on a five-and-one for Keferon's Spellbound AU and, uh, overestimated my ability to finish six whole fics before the plot progressed enough to make me need to scream about other things. But Keferon expressed interest anyway, so I offered a choice of things that were finished or finished-enough.

Keferon chose the smut.

So!

While wandering around the wilds of Cybertron, Blurr and Shockwave tumble into some puffball mushrooms whose spores have... interesting effects. They proceed to take ages to do anything about it, because when one of you has all the power in the relationship and the other has enough self-image issues to count as self-image volumes, a surprising amount of negotiation is required.

The forest was beautiful, its colors vibrant, and the view from the trail down into the... gentle ravine or sharp valley, Blurr wasn't sure which to call it, was pretty spectacular. And Blurr was sharing it with someone he loved, someone clever and gentle, who'd gotten distracted from his own shopping by helping someone else learn the basics of reading magical runes.

He could wish they weren't on the way to the last ingredient for Shockwave's death potion, but Blurr could focus on the joys of the moment.

"I've always loved this forest," he told Shockwave.

"It's serene," Shockwave agreed. "A very peaceful place. I don't believe I've ever been this way before."

"I wanted to see it with you," he said. "I promise it isn't out of our way, but--"

"Blurr," Shockwave said, gently, "I do trust that you aren't stalling. It's fine, really."

"It's not that-- it's really, truly not that. It's-- I-- I'm trying to work out how to explain this without it sounding... like I think of you in a way I don't. Would you be offended if I compared your... your situation to a pet mechanimal?"

Shockwave paused, looking at Blurr with his head adorably tilted. "I couldn't say one way or the other," he said, "but now I'm terribly curious to hear this comparison."

"It's-- I've been trying to-- I understand mercy," Blurr restarted. "But with mechs, I understand mostly battlefield mercy. 'There's no way to fix that, there's no way my side will spend resources fixing that for an enemy footsoldier,' that sort of thing. But that's not-- that's not your trouble. You're more like a photovoltaicat who's had a long, rough life that keeps getting worse and deserves a painless ending. But the trouble with that is... just like I would with a photovoltaicat, I can't help but try to couple 'painless ending' with 'but first, I need to make sure he has a really nice time.'"

"Like making sure the route includes pretty forests?"

Blurr wandered a little closer to the edge of the trail, and thus the edge of the drop. A little further from Shockwave, in case he didn't like what Blurr said next. "You deserve the ending you want," he said, "and before that, you deserve any nice thing I can provide for you."

He looked back at Shockwave, not sure if he hoped there was a strong reaction or what reaction he was hoping for--

-- and something shifted under his feet, but before he had the chance to register that the ground was giving way, the valley taking a little bit more of the rim into itself, Blurr was already falling.

It was the worst kind of fall.

Blurr was no stranger to crashing into things, to slipping or tripping or skidding on something he hadn't spotted and going smashing or tumbling or crunching into some obstacle, but the slope kept giving him the illusion that-- if he could just get his feet under him-- he could turn the fall into a run, and be fine. Instead he'd get in a step and fall, roll on his shoulder, come upright, get in a step that was far too long and he couldn't put his other foot down, take it on his chestplate, try to push himself up as he was sliding down the slope, rocks and grit in his gorget...

Eventually he surrendered to gravity and just tried to keep his arms wrapped around his head. Protect his face, his optics, his crest. He'd be scuffed and dented but probably fine.

Blurr found himself in freefall briefly, then landing hard on his back (small mercies) on something that gave as he hit it, absorbing the worst of the impact. Not all of the impact, but the worst of it. Something smelled odd, like damp brass, but nothing moved to throw Blurr off and try to eat him so he just.

Laid there, for a moment.

"Ow."

Blurr vanished, and it took Shockwave a beat longer than was ideal to realize that Blurr had fallen, and a beat longer than that to do more than hurry to the edge of the trail and watch him tumble.

For a moment, it looked like Blurr's mastery of his own frame, of speed, might see him turn a fall into a controlled descent, but when he skidded on his chest-- when he covered his head-- Shockwave started hastily picking his way down the slope as well. He did not run. He moved with as much care as he could while still hurrying. The last thing Blurr needed was to be struck by a hulking demon falling after him. Shockwave might not crush him, but--

But.

Blurr hit the bottom of the ravine, which appeared to be full of rocks, kicking up a cloud of dust as he struck. Shockwave hadn't prayed in a long, long, time, but he couldn't help the loop of Oh Primus, please, please let him be all right that cycled through his processor.

As the dust started to settle, Shockwave heard Blurr say, "Ow."

Which, for as many rocks as he'd landed on-- even if they were rather smooth, rounded ones-- was a rather mild reaction.

Shockwave's heavy foot struck a rock, which exploded into dust and--

"Spores," he said, worry tugging at his spark. Not rocks but mushrooms, then. Likely harmless-- but likely wasn't certainly. Shockwave bent to inspect them-- and recognized the variety. "Oh dear. Blurr? Are you injured? We need to get you out of there, quickly."

"... What did I land in?" Blurr asked, working to sit up-- he looked all right. Covered in yellowish spores, but they were dusting Shockwave's legs, as well. No rents or obvious damage besides scuffs and dents and a liberal coating of dirt under the spores.

"A mushroom patch. They're actually fairly valuable, if you can find a decent buyer. They're called-- well. They have a number of colloquial names..." Lust puffers chief among them, and most of the rest were cruder than that.

Blurr looked up at Shockwave with wide optics. "Am I going to die from falling into a mushroom patch?"

"No," Shockwave said, firmly. No, he wouldn't allow that, he'd find ways to help even if it were possible to die from these particular mushrooms directly. "No, not at all. You... are likely to experience some effects from these, but they won't kill you-- they won't even make you sick-- and they'll be milder if we can find somewhere to get you cleaned up. Do you know of a stream or a spring somewhere in the area?" he asked, reaching down to help Blurr stand.

"There's sometimes a mercury stream down here, but it's too warm for that right now," Blurr said, standing well considering his fall, and dusting himself off a bit. "We'll have to climb back up, but there's a mineral oil spring not far north of here. Will that work?"

It would stain their tabards, but Blurr could get his laundered, and Shockwave's wasn't worth the trouble. "It should. Can you climb back to the trail? I can carry you, if you're sore."

"I can be your knapsack," Blurr offered. "You're better equipped to make that climb fast."

Though after a moment of getting Blurr arranged on Shockwave's back, he asked, "When do the hallucinations start?"

"Ah." That was one of the three main uses of mushrooms, yes. "They aren't hallucinogenic, they're-- they often grow in areas with large herds of cyberdeer," Shockwave said, "and when some are trampled, they release spores, such as we're covered in now. These... send the cyberbucks into rut, which sets them to clashing over does, releasing more spores and deepening the effect-- frequently one or more bucks will die in these fights, providing a source of nutrients for the mushrooms."

"I'm going to want to fight you?" Blurr asked, sounding dismayed indeed by the possibility. Shockwave was moved despite also being chagrined.

He'd have to be blunter.

"You're going to want to interface," he said, trying to be cool and professional about it. Not having to look at Blurr as he climbed was a help; he wouldn't have to know what the knight's expression was doing. "But the more of the spores we can get off of you, where they can't get into your vents, the milder the effect will be."

"I'm covered in-- I'm covering you in--"

"I'll be fine," Shockwave promised him. "I may feel it a bit, as with engex, but as with engex? Between our size difference and that you're a mech and I'm not, it will affect you a great deal more. You'll have to direct me to the spring," he said, hauling them back onto the trail, "and... worst case scenario, I can at least give you some privacy? There are conflicting reports about whether or not self-service is actually useful or if it merely seems to help because the sufferer is actively doing something..."

"How long do I have?" Blurr said, uncharacteristically serious, as he dropped off of Shockwave's back onto the trail-- and thankfully, crossed away from the drop.

"Half a megacycle or so for the fullest effect."

"We need to go quickly, then-- and I need to-- I need-- I'm so so so sorry, but I need to give you an order before anything kicks in." Blurr looked up at him-- determined and pained.

He hadn't given Shockwave a deliberate order since... before he'd learned 'Shockwave' wasn't a coincidental name, at least. (Do a mustache hadn't been deliberate.)

"What sort of order, Blurr?"

"A precautionary one," he said. "Any order I try to give you while I'm under the influence of this stuff--" he cut off, despite Shockwave half-expecting him to say ignore it. "If I forced someone to 'face me I'm not sure I could live with myself after. If you 'face me I want it to be because you want to. Because-- you want me."

"Blurr."

"So if I get so addled that I try ordering my way into your panels-- that's bad orders don't listen. But-- but if you-- you can do what you want you have my consent if you want to 'face me." That was probably the spores talking already, but it could just be Blurr, trying to give Shockwave as much freedom as he could, even so far beyond what was plausible in reality. "You get to decide. You get to decide no matter what I want."

"And you'll be... impaired, your wants confused, chemically," Shockwave agreed. "I have permission to ignore those orders, and I will, don't worry. And-- I'll forgive you what you say, if your tongue gets away from you." Blurr looked alarmed, and Shockwave hastened to reassure him. "I don't think you'll be cruel. But you're... a flirtatious mech. If you spout romantic nonsense, I'll know it's the spores."

"... Romantic nonsense? Like a confession that I've had feelings for you for a long time, or babbling about how some feature of yours is attractive, or going on about how much I'd like to kiss you?" Blurr sounded pained.

Which was fair.

Shockwave had no such thing as attractive features, and there was nothing about him worth kisses or romantic feelings.

"Just so."

Blurr turned away-- still heading north, still moving all right, and still keeping away from the edge, but he deliberately turned away from Shockwave.

"Because you don't want me."

Shockwave froze, but at least he didn't trip. "What?"

"It's fine. It's fine I just-- I just have to remember it and that's fine. I don't have a right to be hurt over it." Blurr's speech was getting faster-- a sign he was either upset or excited. He did not sound excited. "It's fine. I decided a long time ago that your decisions are more important than my desires. That's why we're on this quest in the first place. It's fine."

"Anyone would want you, Blurr," Shockwave said, hoping-- hoping he was reassuring the right issue. "You're beautiful, kind, and a remarkable person."

"I know! I know, right?" Blurr whirled around to look at Shockwave. "But I can't be direct because orders and subtle doesn't seem to work so I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If you wanted me I'd be yours but you don't so I just have to-- manage. You could just tell me mechs and demons don't have compatible interface equipment-- I don't know what demons have so I'll believe you."

And it wasn't lying, precisely, to repeat something a summoner had said to say. He could do that, particularly with Blurr's permission.

But if you wanted me, I'd be yours, but you don't was the most distracting lead-in Blurr could possibly have come up with. Had the world changed so much that interface, the desire to interface, was connected to some other social more, these days? Was Shockwave so far behind that he'd missed now-obvious cues that he should have met with polite refusal or enthusiastic acceptance?

"I find myself confused," he started.

"Can we talk about it after?" Blurr asked, turning away again. "We have less than half a megacycle to find that spring."

"That seems fair."

Blurr walked, and Shockwave followed; Blurr was uncharacteristically quiet, but Shockwave didn't want to disturb him, or upset him. Or, quite likely, upset him further.

If you wanted me, I'd be yours.

Your decisions are more important than my desires.

He wanted to ignore the implication, the very idea, that Blurr might actually desire Shockwave, because it seemed so impossible, so illogical. Blurr was beautiful, charming, graceful, open and friendly and fun, anything anyone could hope for. Shockwave was--

Shockwave was experiencing a curl of heat between his legs, thinking of Blurr. Shockwave needed to stomp that out, even if he wasn't likely to have trouble managing the desire.

So.

Shockwave was, first and foremost, a demon, forsaken and punished by Primus, without even the mercy of forgetting granted to most demons. He'd been brought so low that there was simply no lifting him back up. He was deeply unworthy of a true knight like Blurr, and lucky indeed that Blurr was a true knight and had both mercy and compassion for him. Anyone else would likely view him with contempt, at best.

You deserve any nice thing I can provide for you.

Shockwave was also a misshapen thing, with strange proportions, too much neck and arm, vicious claws, a face that was all maw. He wasn't even true metal anymore, but something else, some strange, ever so slightly uneven carapace. Not the crisp paint, perfect paneling, and mirror-bright polish he'd indulged in, once upon a time when he might have been worthy of Blurr's affection.

He'd never be able to kiss Blurr, or touch him carelessly.

Blurr deserved that.

Blurr deserved kisses, and easy touches, and a partner who couldn't crush him by rolling over, or run him through trying to drag him out of danger.

Shockwave might not be good enough to deny himself Blurr's own casual touches, his friendliness, his easy affection-- he was a demon, after all-- but he was at least aware some worthier creature, some actual mechanism, should be getting it instead of him.

While he ruminated, however, Blurr had (without a word) led them off the trail, heading north, into the woods, in search of that mineral oil spring.

Silently.

That was... worrying, considering Blurr.

He was walking at a good clip without running, which was probably a good sign, Shockwave thought, but-- Blurr silent was a rare thing.

"Blurr?" he asked, trying to sound inoffensively concerned. "Are you all right?"

Blurr didn't answer, precisely; he made a high-pitched little sound that did not fill Shockwave with confidence.

"Stop a moment and let me look at you?"

Blurr made another sound, but he stopped and turned.

His optics were too bright, his plating loose to vent heat, and though his expression began grimly determined, when his gaze landed on Shockwave it softened into bare, spark-squeezing longing.

"... Oh dear. You're fighting hard, aren't you? Is the spring far now?"

"Nm," Blurr managed, with a little headshake, and pointed rather vaguely.

"Good. If nothing else, I'll need to get all this off our armor and tabards so there's no chance of picking up another dose."

Blurr swayed toward him, optics shuttered. "Mm."

Poor thing. "Guide us to the spring, Blurr," Shockwave encouraged. "You and I can clean up once we find it. Won't it feel nice to be clean?"

Blurr let out a little, stuttering keen, but turned and marched north again with a will-- as fast as Shockwave could comfortably walk without having to lope after him. Shockwave did not compliment his precision at choosing a speed-- just in case Blurr wouldn't appreciate the distraction.

The spring really wasn't far-- though Shockwave's first sign that they'd arrived was when Blurr started pulling off armor, dropping a pauldron behind him as he walked. "Blurr!"

"Here," he managed, and swallowed, before turning to look at Shockwave. "We're here." Blurr's second pauldron hit the ground, and he worked at the straps of his cuirass. "We're here. C'n I just get in? I want-- I want to get in, I want--"

The poor thing. Shockwave cautiously reached out to help with a clasp, and Blurr let his cuirass crash to the ground, gasping in what seemed to be relief as it fell. "Once everything extraneous is off, yes," Shockwave promised him, noting the heat coming off of poor Blurr. "You can get right in. Do you want my help?"

"Badly," Blurr said, in a tone that made Shockwave want to shiver. "Better not." He shucked his belt, then went for the shoulder ties of his tabard., which slithered down his bared plating and puddled on the ground. Blurr stepped out of it, closer to the spring and fiddling with his bracers.

Blurr had a pair of refineries, full enough to swell just a bit but not so much that the energon would glow through them.

It made perfect sense; Blurr was often in the wilderness, as far as Shockwave could tell, so something that stored extra fuel could be vital, lifesaving, whether or not he ever shared it. And Shockwave was an experienced, worldly demon who had once been a sophisticated, progressive knight. He should have been above staring at a pert little pair like Blurr's, and definitely shouldn't wonder how Blurr might taste. That line of thought wasn't going to help anyone.

Shockwave looked at the spring, instead-- generously-sized, so they wouldn't have to stand at the edges and scrub down. The mineral oil was rich enough to be ever so slightly cloudy, a fog that would help provide at least a small measure of privacy. His only worry was depth. Blurr would likely be fine, but Shockwave found himself concerned he could sit on the bottom and find his knees sticking up above the surface, even if otherwise he was sure both of them could soak together, and he wouldn't have to leave Blurr unattended.

Out of bracers and greaves, Blurr moved to slip into the spring, and Shockwave realized Blurr shouldn't get right in-- "Wait-- just a moment, just one moment, Blurr, let me--" He dipped his relatively-clean claws into the oil, dipping out as much as he could cup in his palms to pour it over Blurr.

"Face clear, plating clear-- much better," he said, and Blurr made another of those little sounds that seemed to hit Shockwave in the spark and in the array at the same time. "No more spores for you to carry into the oil. Now you're good to soak, Blurr."

"Come with?"

That was… the tone, at least, made it a question to answer, not a order to follow. And he'd been planning to keep close watch on Blurr, anyway. "Let me take care of your things, and undress," he said. "If it's deep enough for me?"

"That side's deep," Blurr said, pointing at one edge of the spring, "Wells up from there." With that, Blurr stepped into the mineral oil spring himself. Shockave turned away, to pick up Blurr's armor and tabard, wiping the metal down with the cloth-- he'd boil both their tabards later, to kill the spores. Only Shockwave's greaves and the bottom half of his tabard had much in the way of clinging spores, but he had only walked into the patch of mushrooms; he hadn't landed flat on top of them. Wiping down his own gear would go faster.

Shockwave tried not to be aware of Blurr's soft moan as he sank into the spring. He tried not to wonder if Blurr was watching Shockwave as he stripped out of his own armor-- the same pieces as Blurr's. Pauldrons and cuirass, belt and tabard, bracers and greaves. Knight's armor. He tried not to be ashamed of having so much of what he was on display, none of the trappings of knighthood to cover his frame, his punishment, to disguise it and make it a little more acceptable, to himself if to no one else--

-- But when he turned back to the spring, to Blurr, it was to see Blurr only head and shoulders out of the foggy oil, staring with wide, too-bright optics and a softly-parted mouth. After a moment, Blurr said, "Hi," in a way that was almost entirely vented out.

"Are you all right?"

"I am. Really extremely very stupid right now," Blurr said, still staring at Shockwave like a starving mech might stare at an elaborate energon confection behind a thick window. "There's a lot of you and it's so hot."

That was the spores talking.

(He wished, a little, that it wasn't, but that was also the spores talking.)

If you wanted me, I'd be yours.

Impossibilities.

"I know what I look like," he said, instead, carefully neutral, and slipped into the mineral oil.

And, like Blurr, slid in until most of him was covered, because that felt wonderful. (He didn't moan. He may have let out a pleased little hum, but he didn't moan.)

Blurr drifted closer. "I wanna-- I want--" his expression crumpled, soft mouth twisting into a miserable frown. "I don't get to," he concluded, and retreated to the other side of the spring.

The other side of the spring wasn't so far that Shockwave couldn't reach Blurr to brush just the tips of his claws against his face. "I'm sorry. I'd offer to hold you, if that would comfort you..."

"My array hurts," he said, sadly, and Shockwave tried not to startle, with claws at Blurr's cheek, "the pressure. And if it gets any worse I'm gonna have to open my panels. And you don't want me so I need to stay over here where I can-- try to-- try really hard to behave. Comport myself. Act like a knight and not-- like I want to act."

"You're a very fine knight," Shockwave assured him. "One of the truest knights I've ever known. You're just under the influence of a powerful substance right now, and it's impairing your judgment. It will wear off by morning, I promise you that. You won't... you won't find yourself thinking nonsense for long."

"I haven't been?" Blurr said. "Thinking nonsense. I've been thinking my regular thoughts just louder and harder to ignore and a lot like a lot a lot really so much more detailed than usual. Vivid. ... Explicit."

"Blurr," Shockwave chided, gently. "I know what I look like. What I am. There's no need for you to pretend I'm anything other than--"

"Amazing," Blurr insisted, wrapping his hands around Shockwave's wrist.

Or trying to. Shockwave was all out of proportion with himself; Blurr's perfectly normal hands couldn't circle one of Shockwave's oversized wrists.

"Amazing," Blurr said, again, those burning-bright optics soft as he looked up at Shockwave. "You're amazing. Even if I just-- just looking at you? Not knowing you? Shoulders," which was not a complete sentence, but the way Blurr said it made it into one, and a complimentary one besides. "Shoulders arms hands. And chest. All the-- all the parts involved when you hold me? Those are all so good. So so so good. Secure. It's-- did you know your arms are as long as I am tall? That's really-- I like that."

That-- was a lot of-- Shockwave didn't know what to make of that. "I'm disproportionate," he said, uncertain.

"But that works," Blurr protested. "That means you can hold me like I'm barely an armful but you're not-- the rest of your frame is just a beautiful size too. Big, yes, big and broad and shaped--" Blurr looked glazed over for a moment, then shook his head-- "but you're twice my height to the antlers. Not three or four times my height with your torso in proportion to your arms and legs. Long long legs, nice long legs. I got to see your thighs," Blurr said, dreamily, apparently having lost the thread of whatever he was thinking. "And your hips oh you've got nice hips. Thick but not so thick I couldn't get my legs around them." ... Maybe he hadn't lost the thread, or-- well. The spores. This was all the spores talking. "I keep wondering I'm always wondering I know as much about demons as anyone's written in any book you can get copies of but nobody's written about demonic arrays so I just have to wonder what-- what you might have what I might do what we might share-- if you wanted me." Blurr's dreamy expression fell again, and he slipped down into the oil to his chin. "Not that you want me. You don't have to-- I just don't understand why you don't."

"Anyone would want you," Shockwave managed, somehow. Or at least, anyone who didn't want Blurr had very specific tastes.

"A lot of people do," Blurr said, nodding, "but not you."

It was technically safer that Blurr believe that. That Shockwave believe all he wanted was Blurr's help, his mercy. But he seemed so wounded, and Shockwave wasn't entirely sure that was just the spores talking-- it might be the spores and Blurr's own pride in his appearance, which... Shockwave could sympathize with. It had been a long time since he'd had an appearance worth being proud of, but he remembered how it felt when it seemed to miss.

"I'm twice your height," Shockwave said, "and four or five times your mass. I'm also incapable of doing you deliberate physical harm. Showing desire... could easily lead to damaging you."

"You're too careful," Blurr said, with-- with what sounded like absolute faith. In Shockwave. "Precise and delicate-- you tickled me. With your claws you could put them through me but you tickled me with them-- you-- you held me in one hand and painted a mustache on me. You're amazing you'd never hurt me."

"I-- I flattened you under me." He had tickled Blurr, and when Blurr had blindfolded him, tied his jaws shut over his optic, Shockwave had been terrified that the wrong move would have his claws through Blurr, tearing him apart, so he'd just-- flopped on his knight, with all his weight.

Not for long, but he'd done it.

(And Blurr wasn't any worse for the wear for it, but that-- that was the spores talking.)

"I know," Blurr-- Blurr whined, shoulders shifting out of the oil like he was squirming under it. "I keep-- I keep-- I keep on having dreams about it," he said, "where I push you up and untie your face so I can look at you or I roll you over and don't let you look at me and tabards aren't difficult to get under and I keep on imagining I--" Blurr cut himself off with a strangled little sound, burying his face in oil-slick, shining hands.

"You've dreamed of that," Shockwave said, softly, reaching to fold his clawed hands around Blurr's shoulders. They enveloped him, especially without his pauldrons on, and Blurr shivered at the touch. "Of that moment, before now? Before the spores?"

Blurr nodded, but didn't show his face or speak.

"When did-- when did you start feeling like this?"

It wasn't logical, it made no sense-- Blurr was bright and beautiful, light and free. Anyone would want him; he could have anyone. A perfect knight, bold and true.

Blurr let his hands fall away from his face, only to press them over the backs of Shockwave's hands, keeping him from pulling away from Blurr. "D'you remember when I asked you why you wanted to die? When-- when I told you I'd be happy if you stayed?"

"I do." He'd been terrified it meant Blurr would break his word. That Blurr would deny him mercy. He should have realized that Blurr just needed to know there was a good reason-- that he wouldn't be killing someone who didn't deserve it, or who could be helped any other way.

Shockwave should never have doubted his knight.

"That was when-- if you'd changed your mind? Even a little? That was when I was going to tell you. I was sure before then and-- and after that-- after you told me you hadn't changed your mind, after you told me how you were used-- then I was sure it--" Blurr shuttered his optics and bowed his head, and held Shockwave's hands to him all the tighter. "I was sure it didn't matter that I loved you how much I loved you that anyone loved you. You'd made your your decision and I'd given my word and I had to-- I had to respect your decision and honor my word and keep my feelings to myself so I couldn't accidentally manipulate you with them."

Distantly, Shockwave noticed how Blurr looped when he was upset, words running laps around his thoughts.

It wasn't enough of a distraction from the impossible idea that Blurr loved him.

Had loved him.

That Blurr had been planning to tell Shockwave he loved him, but instead decided it didn't matter. That Blurr's love didn't matter.

Your decisions are more important than my desires.

Shockwave had decided long ago that if he had any chance to die, to escape this life, he'd take it, and Blurr had evidently decided not to muddle that decision, to tie him to someone living.

You deserve any nice thing I can provide for you.

And being loved-- it still seemed impossible, illogical, more so than being desired did, somehow. That Blurr should love him... Blurr shouldn't look at Shockwave and care. Shockwave was a demon, deeply unworthy of anything of Blurr except perhaps his pity, his compassion, and that more because Blurr was a true knight than because Shockwave himself was worthy of the consideration.

But it explained the subtle changes in Blurr, perhaps more than the simple resolve to keep his word could. Blurr had begun to touch him more, after that; not that he'd ever shied from him, but since that conversation, Shockwave had been climbed, hugged, tugged, leaned on-- playfully, for the most part, Blurr only keeping any distance between them when he was being serious.

Blurr knew what power he had over Shockwave, and mostly used it wisely, when he used it at all. On those rare occasions he used his authority foolishly, he didn't retaliate with cruelty when Shockwave took advantage. (Do a mustache, he'd said, without specifying exactly where, and Shockwave had decided Not on me! was a different, disconnected sentence in order to "obey" that first order.) Blurr could keep Shockwave as long as he pleased, could use the tie already between them to bind Shockwave up close and tight and Blurr's, forever, or until Blurr's own death, and the only consequence would be a broken promise to a demon. Shockwave had known any number of knights who wouldn't consider that a black mark on their honor at all.

But for Blurr, it would be breaking a vow to a loved one, wouldn't it?

If you wanted me, I'd be yours.

"Shockwave?" Blurr asked, voice small.

"I'm only thinking," he said. "Trying to sort-- reality from the spores." But he looked at Blurr, for a moment, paying attention to his knight instead of the inside of his own head.

Blurr looked worried enough it might count as terrified.

"May I hold you while I keep thinking?" and Blurr was in his arms before Shockwave could move his hands off Blurr's shoulders himself, almost before he'd finished asking.

Blurr's refineries were pliant against Shockwave's plating, and at some point his knight had opened his panels-- a pressurized spike pressed against Shockwave, too. His arms wrapped around the base of Shockwave's neck, as was Blurr's usual preference-- and that was a thing to note all by itself, that Blurr had a preferred way to embrace Shockwave-- and the sound that came out of Blurr as Shockwave's own arms wrapped around his bare back was something very like a purr.

So Shockwave had to take a moment to process all of that before he could get back to thinking.

If you wanted me, I'd be yours.

The bank was fairly steep behind Shockwave; he was sitting on the floor of the spring, legs folded under him. He could kneel, instead, and lay Blurr on the bank, and then-- And then. And then what? All the teasing, all the intimacy, that Shockwave knew how to share had been learned in his life, as a knight. As someone with a mouth, with fingers, with a normal fragging frame.

"I believe you," Shockwave told Blurr, softly, and made a strangled noise as Blurr nuzzled at the base of Shockwave's neck. "I don't understand how it happened, but-- I believe you."

"It doesn't have to change anything if you don't want it to," Blurr said, with his mouth against Shockwave's neck, a fact that was probably coincidental and also entirely unfair.

"Change is inevitable and that's not where I was going with this," Shockwave said. And then indulged a little, petting down Blurr's back, palm over his knight's spinal strut.

Blurr moaned, so that might have been a mistake in terms of remaining focused, but Blurr also didn't manage another barrage of worldview-changing words, so Shockwave would take it.

"My frame isn't... It's a wonder there are aspects of it you like enough to find me desirable," Shockwave said. "I don't have a soft mouth to kiss you with, or blunt fingers to tease delicate components. I have an array, but I've... interacted with it only enough to know it isn't normal.

"I know you're wanting, my knight," and Blurr keened, which was, once again, unfair to someone trying to string together a coherent sentence, "but I'm not at all sure what I could do for you."

"Call--" Blurr stopped, swallowed. "It feels like if you call me 'my knight' again with your voice like that and us spark to spark I could overload for you just like that."

Arms weren't enough; Shockwave craned his head down so that his neck held Blurr, too. It dipped his jaws into the oil, but that wouldn't silence him and the way Blurr quivered at it was... interesting. "I think perhaps we shouldn't foul the spring with that, don't you?"

"Will you let me see your array?" Blurr asked, as Shockwave lifted his head and neck out of the hug. "You can say no but-- I might have ideas if I could see it if you'll let me see it."

"You've been heavily dosed with a potent aphrodisiac in the presence of someone you've been inexplicably pining for," Shockwave teased, and was relieved he could tease so. "Your ideas might well be fantasies, in your condition-- but-- but I'll show you. On the bank." Shockwave stood, holding Blurr against him (as Blurr apparently liked so much), the oil sheeting smoothly off of them.

"Will it hurt you if I like what you've got anyway?" Blurr asked, as Shockwave made their way to the bank.

Before he laid Blurr down-- because that was going to be distracting-- he allowed, "Not hurt. Confuse me, perhaps, and deeply so, but-- you like so much of me that I loathe. I used to be-- not as lovely as you," he admitted, because Shockwave had once been very good looking indeed, but there was a beauty to Blurr, a fineness, that was terribly rare, "but dashing. Stalwart. I liked how I looked-- I looked--"

"Heroic," Blurr filled in. And then he shifted, pushing himself up a bit, so he could look Shockwave in the optic. "Heroic and handsome and honest. Trustworthy. An honest face." Blurr's hands slid up the back of Shockwave's neck, passed toward the front, and cupped his jaw. "Never did a thing for me. Maybe if I'd seen you instead of statues and paintings and things."

"Is that normal for you?" Shockwave asked, curious about Blurr, how he worked. "You need a person, not an image, to be moved to desire?" Then he settled Blurr on the bank, on his back, and Blurr...

... oh, Blurr was a picture.

A lean, clean frame, all pale blues with touches of grounding blacks, the vulnerability of unprotected, armorless joints and the soft swells of his refineries, the sleek lines of his legs, his thighs-- the way he tucked one leg up to put his array on full display somehow more graceful than lewd, inviting inspection. Shockwave didn't mean to stare at the elegant lines of that smooth spike, the delicate seamlessness with which Blurr's plates overlapped his bright blue biolights, the sweeping patterns gliding up to the tip, or down to the base to flare out around his node and over the plush-looking sides of his valve.

Having everything but his helm glistening with mineral oil was absolutely no help at all.

"You are so beautiful," Shockwave managed, not entirely certain if Blurr had answered his question, or entirely able to recall what his question was.

"I'm yours if you want me," Blurr told him.

Shockwave wanted him.

"... Let me... show you what I have to work with," Shockwave said, and for the first time in a very long time-- and yet, altogether too soon-- he retracted his panels.

And reflexively closed his jaws over his optic.

He still remembered what was there-- the way it almost looked twisted, the sub-mechanoid texture that was all of him, truly, but particularly repulsive on a spike. The odd excuses for biolights that were more glowing smears of red, smearing instead of neat, clean geometric shapes. The segmented ridge where the seam should have been that looked designed to catch, if not tear, an unsuspecting valve. What his node looked like, now, his valve, Shockwave had no idea-- seeing the spike had been enough to make him put the entire concept away, until now.

Until Blurr.

"Oh wow," Blurr said, his tone still wanting and heated. "Wow that's-- that's-- wow. Can-- may I touch?"

Shockwave opened his mouth, looked down at Blurr-- and at himself. In what might be a small mercy but was just as likely damning, Shockwave at least wasn't disproportionate to his own hips; his spike looked like it would go into Blurr just fine, for all it might tear him open coming out again. "You want to?" he asked, hating that he sounded a little helpless about it.

Blurr bit his lower lip. "I wanna see if those pointed bits are stiff or sharp or hard-- or if they have the same give your neck does," he said. "If they're too hard I have to spike but if they're soft enough I think they'd feel amazing in a valve and-- your valve looks pretty normal? Primus your node is big and I want to get my mouth on it but the valve is just sort of smooth looking? That said your entire face has teeth so if you want me anywhere near your valve I'm going to be smart and safe and cautious and offer you my hands first but I think-- I think we could be okay I think we just need to check and make sure the uh textures are compatible. Yours and mine. And if they're not we can still get creative. If you want to. We don't have to," Blurr hastened to add, as though Shockwave weren't standing there stupidly trying to process that there might be something appealing about his array-- and that he might have missed investigating an important detail of whether or not his spike was inherently harmful. "I-- I'm yours whether you want to or not. Now or ever. You get to choose but I'm willing," Blurr promised, fervently.

"I never thought to check if they were soft," Shockwave said, and-- as lightly as though he meant to touch Blurr's lip, or brush something away from his optic-- Shockwave ran the tip of his claw along that ridge of pointed plates.

They bent under his touch, soft as foiled leaves, and when he ran his claw up them the wrong way, there was no unpleasant pinching or pulling, even flipped fully backwards.

"I never thought to check," Shockwave said, again, feeling some old emotional wound pulling itself open.

Hideous, but not dangerous.

Blurr worried at his lower lip, and offered, "Nobody's written this down. Nobody knows this sort of thing. I'm not going to ask you to interface for science but-- if you want to interface we could write it down for science later?"

"For the next mech who falls in love with a demon?" It was vanishingly unlikely-- wasn't it?

"Or for the next demon who only looked and didn't touch and got discouraged," Blurr countered.

"We have no idea if every demonic array is similar," Shockwave said.

Blurr gave a slow, warm smile. "Then maybe we should figure out a lot of ways to test an array without using standard fingers?"

"You're incorrigible," Shockwave said, and Blurr's smile turned into a grin, "and you're not likely to have any decent ideas until morning, at least." When all this was sure to wear off.

"Mm, indecent ideas only right now," Blurr agreed.

"If nothing else," Shockwave said, with an exaggerated sigh, "interface does clear the effects of the spores faster. You're sure you want-- my spike? It's not very... even."

Blurr looked at him, for a long moment-- for a moment bordering on a little too long. "It looks like it will feel amazing," Blurr said. "Maybe it's just not meant for display. ... May I show you?" he asked. "If you lay down and I ride, I'm in control of how deep I go how fast I go how hard I go. I can show you how good you feel."

Honestly, that sounded like more control than Blurr liked to take, with Shockwave, but also?

It sounded easy.

Lie back.

Let Blurr.

No worrying about what to do with himself, with his hands, with his array. "Just lay flat on my back and watch you?"

"I mean you can reach out and touch if you want? I'm very fond of being petted. But 'just watch me go' is entirely valid and I've been assured it's also a lot of fun if I'm the sort of thing you like to look at." Blurr offered him a smile, and slowly, languidly moved to sit up.

Shockwave levered himself entirely out of the spring, and rolled to lay on the soft aluminum grass.

Blurr reached out to gently trace Shockwave's hip, his fingers smooth and perfect. "You didn't get hit as hard as me. I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted a little help to be totally ready?" Such a careful offer.

His claws weren't worthy of it, but he reached out to touch Blurr's cheek, and Blurr nuzzled into the touch, lips against Shockwave's palm. "I want you," Shockwave said, and Blurr hummed greedily into his hand. "This is a nice thing I've decided I want you to give to me. Let me have you, Blurr."

Blurr moaned against Shockwave's palm, and kissed it-- kissed it!-- then he moved so fast, straddling Shockwave almost before he could follow it.

But Blurr took his time actually mounting Shockwave, smooth sweet perfect hands on Shockwave's spike, guiding him to Blurr's valve, to tease. To guide the head of him in little searching strokes, feeling Blurr hot and slick and welcoming and finally, finally letting Shockwave in, sinking down-- "Were you gonna watch me?" Blurr gasped out, and Shockwave had, at some point, thrown his head back, jaws half closed over his optic, neck stretched out on the grass.

"I had to feel you," Shockwave offered, but let himself look up at Blurr.

He was beautiful.

Primus, he was beautiful.

Still shining a bit from the oil, bared and beautiful and poised over Shockwave's hips, Shockwave's own spike connecting them, lips soft and optics blazing and sweet, smooth spike standing proud-- "So beautiful," Shockwave managed, and Blurr--

Blurr smiled at him, and then sank down.

It was still slow, and Shockwave moaned through it, and Blurr talked through it-- "Oh frag oh frag I knew that was going to feel so fragging amazing mmhn Shockwave I can feel every single thing every ridge every contour every part of you oh frag oh frag--" Blurr's thighs settled against Shockwave's hips as Blurr's litany dissolved into soft, wordless sounds.

He'd hilted Shockwave.

Blurr was tipped forward, a bit, hands on Shockwave's hips supporting his weight, fingertips digging into him deliciously, Blurr's back curved forward just enough to shift how his refineries sat-- dangling, just a little.

"Refineries," Shockwave said, and, uncertainly, "Touch them?" He didn't want to damage them, to hurt Blurr, but they looked so tempting--

"Me or you?" Blurr asked-- and Shockwave must have reacted somehow because Blurr smirked at him a little.

"You," Shockwave said-- rumbled, practically, drawing a moan out of Blurr and a roll of his hips and oh...

Blurr put his perfect hands to his refineries, stroking and massaging the more pliant plating there, fingertips teasing at his own nozzles. "Definitely you," Shockwave agreed. "Lovely things. Sensible."

"Mmh," was Blurr's answer for a moment, his hips starting to move in vague circles against Shockwave, around Shockwave. "Sensitive. Imagined your claws on them," he said and-- held two fingers stiff and straight, a nozzle pinned between them in a gentle imitation of-- of his claws. Blurr tipped his own head back, elegant neck exposed, at the touch. The squeeze.

With care, with greatest care and a little trembling, Shockwave let the claws of one hand skate up Blurr's side. "My knight," he said, and Blurr gave a full body shiver that felt amazing and had Shockwave struggling to hold still. "I have you. Don't tease yourself. Show me."

Blurr swore again, then lost his words to gasping moans as he moved, alternating at seeming random between grinding down against Shockwave and nearly bouncing, up and down fast enough it couldn't have been pleasurable, thighs working too hard-- for anyone but Blurr, hands still on his refineries, mouth open and panting, optics blazing and half seeing, until an overload hit him-- too fast, Shockwave thought, but Blurr clenched and spasmed around him and laid against his chest, hips still twitching against Shockwave's.

"Just a moment," Blurr begged. "Just a moment don't-- have to stop just need a moment," and oh-- Blurr did everything fast, didn't he?

"It won't be too much?" Shockwave asked, finally letting himself touch Blurr, hands folding over his back.

Blurr kissed at the center of Shockwave's chest, and Shockwave nearly missed what Blurr said: "You have my permission to 'face me until you have to carry me tomorrow if that's what you want."

If that was the spores talking, the spores said such lovely things-- Shockwave bucked up into Blurr, reflexively, and just that, just that, was enough to send Blurr gasping into another overload, his valve spasming around Shockwave.

Shockwave blurted out, "Is that normal?" with a perhaps understandable lack of tact.

"Hah," Blurr said, and "Mmh," none of which was helpful.

"Blurr. Is this normal, or the spores?" Shockwave asked, gently, stroking Blurr's back as he shivered. "I'm a little concerned."

"Mm," Blurr managed, and cycled a long vent. "Close to normal more than normal but close. You can do more of that if you want it was wonderful."

"You feel safe letting me set the pace?" He needed to be sure, though his hands folded around Blurr anyway.

"I'd feel safe with your claws in me," Blurr said, "and pace and I understand each other."

"Mmh..." Shockwave considered... and shifted a thumb so it settled over Blurr's refinery, the dull side pressing into the nozzle, the point high enough not to do any harm. Blurr's reaction was beautiful indeed: gasping again, squirming, thighs trying to press together around Shockwave's broader hips. "Yes, I think that's just about how I want you," he said, and for symmetry, grasped Blurr just the same way with his other claw, fingers wrapped around his back in a lattice.

And he thrust into Blurr, hips rocking up into his knight and claws pulling him down onto Shockwave.

Blurr let out a glorious moan, and begged-- "Please please please--" and what could Shockwave do but oblige?

He didn't set a punishing pace, not for his dear knight, but he knew Blurr could go fast, and oh but Shockwave wanted to go hard, wanted streaks of blue on his thighs to hide under his tabard, proof that he'd been wanted, proof that Blurr held him in such regard, proof that at least one of his unsightly parts could still function, bring pleasure.

And he brought pleasure.

Blurr shook through two more overloads before Shockwave reached his own, hitting with a cry that was just barely shy of a roar, pumping lazily into Blurr as the last shocks of it slowly faded.

So.

Overloads were still good.

"Break please?" Blurr croaked, when neither of them was crying out, clenching, shivering, or otherwise busy with climax.

"Are you all right?" But Shockwave carefully removed himself from Blurr, laying his knight out on the grass.

Blurr stayed there.

"I think somebody replaced my struts with cables," he said. "Or you 'faced how joints work out of me."

"Mm." So Shockwave gently adjusted Blurr, finding a position that looked comfortable, before laying on his side, curling around Blurr, head and neck resting on Blurr's chest. "It was good, I hope?"

"Amazing," Blurr sighed, turning his head to nuzzle at the stretch of Shockwave's neck that crossed his shoulder. "We don't have to be done if you want more I just need to--" he laughed a little. "Resolidify. Be able to move again. ... Was it-- was it good for you?" Blurr asked, as though that could possibly be in question.

"It was," Shockwave answered-- truthfully as he had to, but it wasn't a hardship to be honest with Blurr. "You're... glorious, really. Coming up with a flattering-enough adjective is going to take some time, my knight."

"Mmh," and it was half-purred and happy, accompanied by another nuzzle, and Blurr's arm curling very loosely over Shockwave's neck. "Can I-- no may I. May I kiss you?"

Shockwave tried to keep his surprise to a startle, not a jolt. "You'd want to?" He had, in the heat of the moment-- but that was in the heat of the moment. With that passed…

"I love you," Blurr said-- reminded, Shockwave thought. "I want an awful lot of perfectly normal things you probably think aren't allowed, or something."

"I can't kiss you back," Shockwave warned. "If that isn't going to be disappointing... feel free?"

Shockwave had no particular expectations, given Blurr couldn't share a kiss with him-- if he'd thought about it for a moment, he would have imagined a simple peck, a brush of lips like kissing someone's hand or ring-- or, given Blurr, fond and firm, kissing a loved one's cheek. Instead, Blurr pressed parted lips against Shockwave's neck, kissed with the same sort of heat and motion Shockwave could imagine him applying to a lover's mouth... and he did not stop at one single kiss, either, tilting his head to blaze a trail towards Shockwave's jaw.

"Oh," Shockwave said, eloquently. "You-- oh. Oh, Blurr." Kissed, loved, made love to, wanted, desired-- it was-- so much. It was more than--

It was more than Shockwave deserved, wasn't it? More than he should dare. More than Blurr should give.

"Aren't you afraid?" he asked Blurr, curling tighter around him, as if that would provide his knight any protection.

"Why?" Blurr murmured into Shockwave's plating, "Gonna roll over onto me?"

"Of Primus," Shockwave clarified. "This is my punishment. The-- the most I've dared to hope for is to stop suffering, and you-- you, Blurr, you threaten to bring me happiness."

"As much as you'll let me give you," Blurr said, stroking a hand over the top of Shockwave's head.

"Don't you fear punishment for it?" Shockwave hadn't feared anything-- he'd thought he'd known how to escape the consequences of his actions, because he'd so firmly believed in what he was doing.

"I don't think Primus is going to punish me for loving you," Blurr said, trying to fling his other arm around Shockwave's neck, and having trouble due to how Shockwave was draped over him. "I think-- I think if Primus objected to my actions? I think he would have objected when I decided I ought to convince you life might be worth living. Might get better."

"When was that?" Though Primus hadn't objected to Shockwave until his trial...

"About half a cycle after you said your existence wasn't worth fighting for," and Blurr kissed Shockwave's neck again, this time gentler, warm but not heated-- a comfort instead of an expression of barely-banked desire. "I didn't know-- I didn't understand how bad it had been."

"Primus may wait until your actions are... irreversible," Shockwave cautioned, but shifted, too, gathering Blurr to him.

"I'm hoping I'm a sign from Primus that you've been punished enough," Blurr said, cuddling close, impossibly comfortable, unbelievably trusting. "That someone loving you can only be something good."

Shockwave had to huff out a laugh. "It makes sense you've only ever been lucky in love." He could easily picture anyone hoping to end a relationship with Blurr amicably, to keep up a friendship just to stay in touch with his knight. But there was no sly rejoinder, no flirtatious comment-- just Blurr tucking his face closer to Shockwave. "Blurr?"

"I suppose it depends on how things go with you," he said, slightly muffled.

"... Surely you've had lovers before?" He certainly hadn't seemed unpracticed at making love.

"Friends with benefits," Blurr said. "You know the sort of thing where it's just-- you're experimenting together or it's a long patrol or campaign and you're just looking for release or it's a friend of a friend and they want to see that thing I can do with my fingers and one thing leads to another. Or just-- admirers who watched me race, encounters like that, that we both enjoyed but I wasn't-- there wasn't... Interface," he clarified, "I've interfaced, but love is-- new."

"I'm-- I'm your first love?" That couldn't be. "Me?"

To have fallen in love with a demon who wanted nothing more than to stop, who had already extracted Blurr's promise to grant him mercy... That could almost be a punishment in and of itself.

"You," Blurr confirmed. "Somewhere along the line 'I hope I can help him' shifted to 'if he does change his mind I hope he wants to stay with me.' I've never-- never wanted to keep waking up to someone before. To see the same person every day. To stay, to slow down far enough to bring someone with me where I go, to share-- everything with."

"Will you tell me," Shockwave said, as gently as he could, "about your plans for... after?"

Blurr huddled into him. "You'll be disappointed in me."

"I will not, my knight."

"Scream and cry probably. After that I don't know," Blurr admitted. "It's like a blockage I can't even imagine past, what's after you."

"I thought-- and understand, I know now I thought wrongly, without enough information-- I thought the most I could hope for was your compassion, unworthy as I was of it-- to have that and your kindness, too, seemed more than I could ask for. I thought, in the end, you might be a bit sad, but you'd know it was the only merciful thing to do, and that you might take a certain amount of comfort in having upheld a promise, kept a vow. I thought you'd be fine, that you'd be as you were before you summoned me, if perhaps a little wiser." Shockwave smoothed a claw down Blurr's back. "But that's wrong, isn't it?"

If Shockwave followed through, if he held Blurr to his word, it would devastate Blurr.

And this-- they were close, he knew, to the farshee, to the last component they needed. One more bottled death, and Shockwave would be free of the pain, the guilt, the suffering, the hunters who used their power to use him as a weapon over and over and over again.

Was this the last warning to stop trying to escape his punishment before something worse happened?

He'd tried, again and again, to figure out if he'd been warned before, if there were something he'd missed, some sign or portent, but only if he accepted the whole of the law as inviolate and perfect was that possible. And the laws had changed, Blurr was proof of that. His knight was a knight, bright with magic, openly, which would have been impossible in Shockwave's lifetime, and the towns-- towns-- they'd visited were full of people who were clearly some sort of monster or beastformer, simply going about their lives without fear. If Primus had left him warnings before, they'd been so subtle he'd missed them, and now, with Blurr knowing only a world so much like the one Shockwave had fought to build?

He wasn't sure exactly what part of his actions had so enraged Primus.

But now-- now, Primus seemed to be asking, which is more important, your escape or your knight?

Blurr was shaking his head. "You made a decision you needed to make and I made you a promise. What you decide is more important than what I-- you-- what we feel. You have a right to the death-- the escape-- the mercy you want and I don't want to take that from you."

"And what if I'm starting to think you might be right?" Shockwave challenged, gently, gently. "If you might be a sign from Primus that I'm not meant to escape that way?"

"I might have to ask why you changed your mind," Blurr said-- phrased as neither an order to follow nor a question to answer.

"You," Shockwave said, "have been very clever to hide how much I've been hurting you, because I think you must have known I wouldn't want you in pain over me."

"I don't want you at risk of more of the kind of use and abuse you've already been through," Blurr countered, shifting enough to look at Shockwave. "I can keep you safe as long as I'm alive-- you can't be summoned away from me-- but you're right that when I die..."

When Blurr died, Shockwave wouldn't just have falling into the next vicious hunter's hands to look forward to, but an ongoing eternity without--

-- without.

Without the life he could suddenly see himself having with Blurr.

"I-- a moment," he asked, holding Blurr closer against his chest as he tried to just process the idea--

-- Blurr loved him, wanted him. Made love to him, likely would be happy to make love to him again, regularly. Far from finding him repulsive, Blurr desired him. Blurr was a knight, with a perfect right to summon a demon and keep them for whatever tasks he saw fit. And Blurr wanted to wake up to Shockwave. He was bound to Blurr, true, but Blurr was so careful with his words, and Shockwave could play with how to follow orders, a little bit (as with painted mustaches)-- Blurr giving him a bad order wasn't a concern, as, worst case scenario, he could rescind it very quickly.

So there could be an entire life at Blurr's side, on his patrols, his errands, meeting his friends-- socializing, as with Windblade and her friend Chromia (or her chaperone, Shockwave was a little fuzzy on the details). A lifetime of being welcome, at his knight's side, in his life. In his bed, if it would hold Shockwave. A lifetime that wasn't just pain and death and despair, but that held laughter and discovery and kisses.

And Shockwave could picture it, could picture himself in it, sharing it. Thinking of something beyond the longed-for escape from inevitable suffering.

It had been so long since he'd been able to imagine an immediate future he cared to live long enough to see.

"I don't deserve you," Shockwave told his knight, "and you are mortal; when you die, I will be left vulnerable. But--

"But I think I want more of the time between then and now than I did yesterday."

"Shockwave," Blurr said, simply, and Shockwave took it as the highest of praise even before Blurr threw his arms around Shockwave and set to kissing his way up Shockwave's neck again.

He'd never be worthy of his knight, Shockwave knew-- never again, if he ever had been in the first place.

But Shockwave wouldn't be so unworthy as to spurn his knight, either, crush his spark, cause Blurr pain so great he couldn't imagine the other side of it.

Perhaps together, they'd figure out a happy medium.

... Though, as Blurr kissed and-- oh, licked-- his way along Shockwave's jaw, he suspected making long-term plans was going to have to wait at least a month or two, for the novelty to wear off. "Blurr," Shockwave murmured.

"Hm?" and oh that was-- nice, felt in the hollow of Shockwave's throat.

"What's the thing you can do with your fingers?"

Blurr pulled away just far enough that Shockwave could see his smile, sharp and playful and warm and loving. "I'll show you," he promised.

Shockwave looked forward to it.

END NOTES: For the record, the five-and-one premise was supposed to be 'things that could happen that might lead to Shockwave wanting to live at least a little longer.' I got absolutely nothing remotely close to canon! But I had a lot of fun.

PinetreeVillan drew art!